Things You Would *Never* Catch Tamora Pierce chara
by Kiana Caelum
Summary: Ya know, I think the title says most of it for me... :-) Love if you'd take a look.
1. Default Chapter

I know I haven't written much Hanging On lately – I've been up to my eyeballs in mock exams (about as much fun as being suspended over bubbling acid), so I came up with this...I was just thinking (yeah, it happens!)…maybe I'll add to this sometime…

Please don't take offence – all is meant in jest.

Things you would *never* catch Tamora Pierce characters saying...

Ozorne:

  1. Maybe I *shouldn't* try to be an evil dictator...
  2. Did all that violent murdering smudge my eyeliner?
  3. You have no idea how hard I work to keep my image this squeaky-clean
  4. Making evil flesh-eating monsters? Maybe it was a bit over the top.
  5. I'm actually just a big softie really.

Roger

  1. Maybe I shouldn't leave my evil voodoo dolls lying around
  2. I use L'Oreal. Because I'm worth it.
  3. Inoculation ruined my world take-over bid.
  4. Phenomenal magical powers...complete lack of common sense
  5. Next time I forge my own doom, the Lioness doesn't get to take the credit. 

Joren

  1. Oil of Olay keeps my skin looking soft and beautiful
  2. I'm gay.
  3. I express my inner trauma through wanton acts of prejudice and violence.
  4. Keladry, marry me!
  5. I'm actually a natural brunette

Love to hear what you think!

Ki


	2. Part Two: The Author Strikes Back

Hiya again! I *am* working on Hanging On, it's half done (you people have the patience of saints) but in the meantime, some more fun :-) If you have any of these you'd like sticking up on here, put them in your review and I'll put them in the next part, with all credit to you, of course! Thanks to all the truly fabulous people who reviewed ::beams:: I wasn't expecting anyone to read these so hey! I'm glad y'all liked.

Please don't take offence; I'm only having a bit of fun.

Things You Would Never Catch Tamora Pierce Characters Saying II: The Author Strikes Back!

Kel

  1. Oh no, did I really throw up on Garvey from the top of that mountain? I feel *****so* horrified.
  2. Joren, you sexy beast!
  3. My secret benefactor? I forged the notes myself and made the money doing embroidery at night.
  4. Lord Wyldon is my role model. I too want to be a chauvinistic prejudiced bald man.
  5. A fearsome clifftop battle with almost certain potential of extra kudos and conquering of my great fear, not to mention saving the day and earning the admiration of everyone present? But it's that time of the month!

Neal.

  1. Yo, wassuuuuuuup!
  2. I can't actually read, but it's a great girl-puller.
  3. My true calling in life is to be a WWF wrestler.
  4. I only went to University for the booze.
  5. Shall I compare thee to a summer's day, thou—I'm talking to a wall? Damn hormones!

Ralon

  1. Kissing pigs? Just call me Kermit.
  2. Maybe having a distinctive set of acid burns *was* just asking to be identified and killed...
  3. I was born Rowena.
  4. Emotionally repressed – physically possessed.
  5. Just because I want everyone to be my personal slave doesn't mean I'm a *bad* person.

Numair

  1. $5 an hour for kids' parties.
  2. Supreme Sorcerer™ - batteries and respect for age gaps not included.
  3. I'm only a black robe because it doesn't show stains.
  4. That hawk thing? It's remote-control operated, but it looks impressive as hell.
  5. I'm actually Roger of Conte. This is just a latex mask. Bet you didn't see *that* one coming!

Contributed by the lovely Sy-Dra:

Nealan: 

Love sucks. I'm gonna be a priest.

Uline, I am through with this! Do you realize I'm the one who's been writing you terrible soppy poetry? I just can't believe you've been this blind...I can't take it any more!!

Josiane: 

Do you think this dress makes me look slutty, Delia?

Alanna: 

Roger, you sexy little sorcerer, you! I just love the whole dark duke get-up!

Numair: 

Daine, I do not love you. and the baby I carry? It is Antonio's! I'm leaving you for Kally. goodbye, Daine.


	3. Part Three: I Know What You Did Last Cha...

Hey, thanks to everyone who commented and suggested :-) Love y'all, you're great! Here is the next (albeit late!) instalment.

Please don't take offence, I'm only having a bit of fun.

Things You Would Never Catch Tamora Pierce Characters Saying III: I know what you did last chapter

Thom:

  1. And you thought David Copperfield was good.
  2. Wizard, qualified, seeks home. Requires large space, preferably near convenient cemetery, with fireproof floor. Will provide own heating. May disrupt fabric of reality occasionally.
  3. I wonder what happens if I push this large metaphorical button marked 'mass destruction'...
  4. No, dammit Liam, I do *not* want your number, Alanna is over *there*.
  5. I may be incredibly stupid, but my shield designs are pretty damn nifty.

Daine:

  1. My father is actually Rolf Harris
  2. All those talking animals? I hired the Muppets.
  3. God, I love psychotic men in black eyeliner.
  4. Screw you, Numair! Oh wait…I am.
  5. Oh look, a kraken! Aw...it's so cute...look at it's ickle mile long tentacles...can I keep him? 

Alanna: 

  1. Oh go on, Jonathan, *please* let me be your slave for a night...*please*
  2. Lapdancing here.
  3. Where's my Wonderbra? How can I fight without it?
  4. The secret to attracting devilishly handsome and powerful men? Emotional retardation, a big sword, and a good slay.
  5. I cook a mean sponge cake.

Lord Wyldon:

1.I cross-dress at weekends.

2.Prejudiced, cruel, bald and arrogant...but I have my bad points too.

3.I stalk in my spare time.

4.Girls? As squires? Count me in! And let's give them the vote while we're there!

5.I ride around with a big lance to make up for other deficits.

Kaddar:

  1. The dinosaurs did *what* on my carpet?
  2. What do you mean someone's trying to kill me?
  3. I gobble when I eat.
  4. Despite appearing to be a complete idiot, if you kill my uncle and put me next in line to the throne, I suddenly turn into the King everyone dreams of.
  5. Max factor: the make-up of emperors.

By A Nonny Mouse:

Thom: 

You know, I'm actually just depressed, that's why I continually put people in danger and raise the dead, why does everyone say I did it for Delia

By Jaelawyn:

Alanna:

Roger - you HOTT Sexy bastard! Come here and ravage me!

Roger:

I Didn't really want to kill Squire Alan. In Truth - I wanted to love him - Yes... I am a bisexual. 

Hello. My name is Roger. I have a problem. I want to destroy the world because no one will have sex with me

By umm...

Joren: Why was I mean to you, Kel? Well...You see *blush* I'm actually a girl in disguise...I admire you, Kel!

Daine: Do I talk to animals? Nooo...Why does it seem that way? PIXIE STICKS! POWER TO THE PIXIE STICKS! Pixie sticks set me free! They let me behold the power of Sugar! What about the animals you ask? You think I can talk to them? Noo...They're pixie sticks in disguise! PIXIE STICKKKSSSS!!!

By Laurie:

Alanna: Jonathan, I'm so sorry, I never should have gotten into a fight with you, please forgive me!

By Lady faToren:

Lalasa: Hey Neal, lookin sexy, gimme a kiss?


	4. Part Four: The Author's New Groove

My thanks to all of ye who review and make me laugh with your suggestions :-)

My thanks to all of ye who review and make me laugh with your suggestions :-)

All is harmless fun; please take it as such.

Enjoy,

Ki

Things You Would *Never* Catch Tamora Pierce Characters Saying 4: The Author's New Groove…

Tristan Staghorn:

  1. I'm in a completely different branch of life now.
  2. 100% recyclable.
  3. Battle-magic, bloodrain, poisoning my best friend...what gave me away?
  4. Deep down, I'm really sappy.
  5. No, I would *not* make a good mantelpiece!

King Jonathan

  1. No, Zahir, I don't sleep with *all* my squires.
  2. People say I'm a good king and ignore the fact my country is in a permanent state of war.
  3. Everyone thinks it was Roger who killed my father...but think about it...who was next in line to the throne?
  4. Magic, looks, intelligence...if only I *was* Numair. 
  5. Sex bomb, sex bomb, I'm a sex bomb...

Josiane:

  1. Maybe I should have gone for sanity instead of stronger, healthy looking hair...
  2. Catch me in So I Married An Axe Murderer 2!
  3. I'm in the business of making cat food.
  4. She may be a knight, and a witch, and one of the Goddess's own, but the voices talk to *me*!
  5. Siam, you are the weakest link – goodbye!

George:

  1. Alanna, marrying you was just a way to get closer to Jon
  2. No, no, no, Claw, please *take* my chair. And let me be your personal slave...
  3. In my spare time, they call me 007.
  4. And everyone thought it was the staff stealing all those statues from the palace...
  5. The best things in life are free – if you swipe them quick enough.

Roger:

  1. Therapy's great! We sing songs all day long, and watch a lot of Barney cartoons -- and, oh yeah, I'm down to killing one person a day now! (By Quartz)

Kel:

  1. Fight Joren? But I might get bruised! Geez, can't I just tell Wyldon? (By Junipertree)

Ozorne:

  1. Maybe I *was* born with it, or maybe it's Maybelline (By Becks)

Rikash Moonsword:

  1. Let's all be friends
  2. I really don't want to hurt anyone 
  3. These aren't steel wings, they're those fairy kind you buy at the Disney store! (All by Teardrop)

Daine:

  1. Numair, I'm eloping with Neal
  2. Eeek! a mouse!
  3. Shame I killed Ozorne- that makeup made him look sexy
  4. Numair, Tristan could kick your ass any day 
  5. Daine's animal phsycic hotline- $4.99 a minute (All by Junipertree)

Buri

  1. But I'll get my skirts wet! 
  2. Does this look too butch? 
  3. That armor needs more lace 
  4. Bandits attacking? Just let me finish putting on my lip rouge (All by Junipertree)

From the Circle Of magic Series (which I **will** read.)

Rosethorn: 

  1. Crane! I looovvvee your work in that greenhouse of yours! (By Zoey)
  2. Rosethorn, will you marry me? (By Aya)

Tris:

  1. I'm afraid of thunder
  2. Briar is such a sweet boy! (All by Teardrop)

Briar:

  1. I'm allergic to pollen (By Teardrop)

Daja: 

  1. You lucky little trangshi, you! (By Aya)

Pasco:

  1. Pasco: I HATE DANCING! I want to be a harrier! No fair! (By Aya)

Comments would be adored!


	5. Part Five: Wry Kids

Things You Would Never Catch Tamora Pierce Characters Saying 5: 

Yes, it's that time of month when the authors of FF-Net take pot-shots at Tamora Pierce's characters again :-) May y'all enjoy!

I *know*. Hanging On is not up...I *am* working on it, please be patient – my exams have begun, and I am one stressed halfwit right now. :-) Thank y'all.

Disclaimer: All of this is harmless fun, just taking a break from the normal world – to those of you who have exams coming up, be they GCSEs (I went through that hell last year), AS-Levels, A-Levels, Degree 'xams, end-of-years...good luck to y'all. If you have a problem with this piece of extracting-of-the-Michael...please take it up with me as this is (technically) my fault. Otherwise, I hope it makes you laugh.

Things You Would Never Catch Tamora Pierce Characters Saying 5: Wry Kids

Tkaa

  1. My low, whispery voice is great for obscene phone calls.
  2. Just call me Skippy, mate.
  3. My ability to turn everything into rock makes singing in the shower a pain in the ass.
  4. Talk about getting stoned...
  5. You have no idea how long it takes buffing with a pumice stone to get my scales this shiny.

Prince Roald:

  1. My fiancee got killed in an earthquake? Quick, crack open a keg, I'm single again! And in keeping with family tradition, there's a female squire right there!
  2. F*** you, dad!
  3. I'm just a teenage dirtbag, baby, looking for willing maidens, baby.
  4. From now on, I want to be the artist formerly known as Prince Roald
  5. Roald: Recipient Of A Land's Difficulty

Alex

  1. Part-time gigolo.
  2. Like the Duracell bunny, I just go on, and on, and on...until the Lioness pounds my brain into small splinters.
  3. Killing my friends is just an expression of my love. Some people say it with flowers. I say it with betrayal.
  4. You think I'm good with a sword – wait till you see me with my Supersoaker 2000!
  5. I wasn't Roger's squire just because of my disturbingly seductive presence – I knit well too.

Lalasa:

  1. What Kel doesn't know is that at night I dress up in a cape and fight crime in the streets of the Lower City (By theladysong.)

Kel:

  1. Can you *believe* that cute little outfit wasn't in my *size*? *Now* what am I gonna wear to dinner? (By Quartz.)

George

  1. The name's Swoop – George Swoop (By Laurie)

Ozorne

  1. I WANT MY MOMMY! (By Laurie)

Cleon:

  1. I'm not in love with Kel! I'm actually just using her to get to Neal... (By Sara)

Daine:

  1. Numair, you sexy wrinkled old prune! (By Sara)

Wyldon:

  1. Hey! I heard that toupees were available for 99 cents this week…
  2. Contrary to popular belief, I am not sexist or mean.
  3. I wear pink tights and a tutu when I go to sleep
  4. If I had hair, I'd want to tie it up in pigtails. (All by Sara)

Eda Bell (The Shang Wildcat)

  1. Where'd I leave my teeth? (By Sara)

Joren

  1. I'm a pretty, pretty princess!
  2. Does this shade of blusher make me look too girly?
  3. I'm actually a cross dresser and I love the attention that it gets me!!! So if you're looking for a sexy, blue-eyed blonde, you can find me from 3 to 5 singing Britney Spears songs at the Dancing Dove Inn. I'm the person standing on the bar counter in that powder blue dress. (All by Sara)

Vinson:

  1. I pop my pimples when I'm bored
  2. Kel! You sexy momma! Come over here and show me some hot loooove.
  3. I'm hot and I know it – with this skinny body and oily face, who wouldn't agree? (All by Sara)

From the Circle Of Magic:

Daja:

  1. I bring my staff with me for the fun of it! (By Zoey)

Polyam: Yeah – I enjoy getting qunaunen! (By Zoey)

Tris

  1. Ekk! I hate water 
  2. Contacts are so last year, glasses are much more me
  3. Yoo hoo, Daja! *kiss kiss* (All by Becks)


End file.
